Right off, I must admit that this is less than timely. First of all, it was necessary to figure out what all of this meant, then some life stuff got in the way and then some more life stuff got in the way and here we are approaching the first of July and it is time to get this on “paper.”

So what is the thing that has me so stymied that I had to wait 90 days to publish? Well, I am a Grandpa. I have yet to figure out exactly what that means and there are still a bunch of questions centering on this momentous event. At least I think it is momentous.  It is certainly important for my son and his wife.  It is certainly important for my wife and so in some strange way it has to be important for me, right? Well it is, but I need to express the issues that are racing through my head and maybe you and I may better understand what this means.

First off, let’s get this said, I am very happy to be the grandpa to a healthy bouncing baby boy name Andrew Frederick. I am sorry to be so far removed from him, that I will miss a lot of his growing up. That said, it is the way of our children to head off to live on their own and have their own lives in places we like to visit, but do not care to live. So the price we must pay is a distance that keeps us estranged of their everyday lives.  It might well be that we would be estranged if we lived 3 blocks away but it seems more problematic when the distance is greater.

That, in and of itself, is not the issue here.  I guess it is centered around the grandpa part.  First the implication that you gotta be old if you are a grandpa.  I will figure out a way to get through that but it was a hurdle, to consider that I am old. Second I am supposed to be proud of an event that I had absolutely nothing to do with, all right, lets get the giggles out of the way, I mean to say that this child comes into this world and I am to be proud.  Of what exactly? No actions on my part were a part of this event. No decisions I made were a part of this event. No suggestions I made were part of molding this event. In some strange way it is similar to being proud when your child gets a college degree or is recognized for some significant accomplishment.  I am happy for them, and proud of their accomplishments but I am pretty discombobulated about how I should feel. Maybe I am viewing this too narrowly and it is really just as simple as being proud that our family name will be carried on and some legacy is underway. As for the joy component it is challenging for someone who is really a hands on close contact individual to enjoy this little guys’ growth and maturation over the phone.

Now I don’t want this to sound like a poor little me piece. I am delighted for my son and his wife.  All are OK and doing great.  It is fun to watch my son talk through the issues of being a new father and parent (more on the difference between these in another entry) with the struggles one has to face as one balances work, family and the personal pieces of ones’ life.  It is amusing because I had almost the exact same feelings and difficulties making decisions about which is most important when my kids were born. You are no longer a man and a husband.  You are also a father and a parent and those two job descriptions are often in conflict with the other parts of your life.

So, to close this out, I am overjoyed at the birth of my grandson.  I am very proud of him and his mom and dad.  They are making good decisions and are being good parents even when they don’t necessarily have the skills to evaluate their own progress.  They are still using a yardstick they made as non-parental marrieds and that yardstick is no longer of much use to them, they just do not have a new one to use.

So I have to deal with the fact that at some level, this event shows another mile marker on the “you are not as young as you think you are” meter. Second, his development will be some how a bit more difficult to watch through technological binoculars. He will be raised primarily without much of Grandpa’s influence.  The jury is still out on whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe even more challenging is he will be raised by and significantly influenced by folks I don’t know well enough but have to trust my son and his wife  have made good decisions about. This, for a control freak, is a tough pill to swallow.

So to summarize, I don’t know how I feel.  I am elated, confused, worried, proud, hopeful, frustrated and caring about this new situation in my life.

Interesting, it almost exactly how I felt when the kids were born.

Love to all.  Thanks for helping with my therapy.