So you ride the roller coaster of life.  A new baby grandson and some challenges with MIL as she works through some health issues. I guess I forgot to mention that my father (91 years old) was in the hospital with pneumonia. As Kaffee said, “the hits just keep on coming.”

I finish up my part in the MIL caper (see previous post) and head for summer camp with the scout troop.  I had MIL ensconced in a nice facility with her loving daughter (my wife) looking in daily on her with compassion and concern and dad seemed to be on the mend in the hospital. I felt pretty confident that all was as right with the world as was possible with a parent of 91 and a MIL of 88, 2 kids and a grandson out east and couple of dogs who would still be asleep if I did not get back from summer camp for a month! So I left for camp that morning figuring a nice warm 10 days at camp would be just what the doctor ordered. Boy, how wrong one person can be.

I checked in with the lady that owns me, via cellphone, almost every day to make sure everything was OK on the home front.  MIL was being visited ever day and we were having some, “I am new to the place and have not yet adjusted” issues that my wife was handling pretty well for the caustic nature of the attacks. Unfortunately it looked like time was the only healer for these wounds. As the camp events started to ramp up and we got into some stuff where I have pretty heavy involvement I was less diligent in my calling home.  So if I called and did not get my wife I waited until tomorrow to try again rather than try again later that day. So we reach the mid point in camp and I decide to check my phone for messages before heading to campfire and I have a VMX and a text message from my brother indicating he needed a call as soon as I was in a place where I could do that. So I went to a location where I could get reliable service and gave him a call.  The word was not good on my dad.  His pneumonia had worsened and his CO2 level had risen significantly. He had become unresponsive and bro thought I should consider coming home.  There is no way to tell where this was going but my brother was really diligent in getting in touch with me and letting me make the call with the facts as he knew them.

Well, I looked at the situation and decided this was one of those times where you are better safe than sorry and I packed and left camp within the hour.  I made the two hour drive to the city and spoke with my wife on the way preparing her for an unexpected visit and the havoc I would be creating during my brief stop over. I arrived just at dark and proceeded to unload all of my camp stuff into the living room and repack the truck with stuff I would need for a ??? day trip to Iowa. I then ran into the bathroom and did the best thing one can do after 5 days at scout camp, I took a long soothing shower and considered the situation I was in and what the alternatives were. I think it is pretty obvious that you leave things open ended and hope it all works out somewhere in the middle.

So with a good nights’ sleep behind me I arose early and headed for Iowa. I arrived 6 hours later and checked into my motel and proceeded to the hospital to see pop.  As I headed into his room the door was closed and it would not open so I stopped at the nurses station and asked if there was a reason that his door was locked and they say “oh, just give it a tug, it gets stuck sometimes.” So I did and it did and I went in to see my dad. As indicated earlier he was unresponsive and so I decided it was time that dad and his oldest son had a talk.  We discussed our kids, the situation at home, the situation with MIL, the status of Andrew and everyone out east, the flooding in Cedar Rapids and everything else I figured he might want to know about.  We talk on the phone every weekend so I just made this a face to face conversation of all of the things he and I discussed when I called each week.  I guess the difference was that I told him I did not understand where he was on his current situation, but I was going to back his play whichever way he decided to take this. If he wanted to fight this thing, I was there to help with the fight, and if he did not want to fight it any longer I would back that play as well. So the ball was in his court but I had his back whichever way it went. Then I sat and cried for a while then I went and just watched him with his labored breathing. Gosh that can be really tough.

So about 90 minutes later a nurse came in and introduced herself and said she had some ministrations she had to do and asked if dad was responsive.  I indicated he had been unresponsive since sometime yesterday.  She said, “well then let’s get him awake and see how he is doing.” She got right in pops’ face and said loudly, “Russ, Russ, can you hear me, your son is here.” To which dad opened his eyes and looked around the room like Grandfather Clock (reference to Captain Kangaroo, Bob Keeshan, children’s TV show)) until he saw me.  He always did respond well to female authority figures. He began answering the nurses questions and for the next couple of days he interacted with myself and my brother and his wife on a regular basis.  He was clearly on the mend and the physicians began discussing removal of the feeding tube and weaning him back to solid foods and the longer term nature of his rehab and future living requirements. An interesting event occurred during the afternoon on Thursday when he recognized my brother and I and called us to his side and held our hands and told us he loved us and began to cry.  He remained very emotional for several minutes and then seemed to compose himself.  

So on Friday evening my brother and I said our good byes and I told dad I was going to head home tomorrow.  I indicated I would stop up and see him if Interstate 80 was open and probably would not stop by if I had to take a detour through central Illinois to get home. He nodded that he understood and I kissed him and told him I love him and he me and I walked out the door of his hospital room.

That was the last time I saw my father alive.  As I packed the truck to leave the motel on Saturday morning I received a phone call indicating he was gone.  Just 8 hours before he was interactive and seemingly on the mend and now he was gone. Wow, that hits you like a punch. You feel everything in your body just take the shock almost as if it were physical and then you begin life without parents!

I know that sounds kind of odd, but it is exactly what I was thinking.  I had been without my mother for about 13 years and living 6 hours away from my dad it was similar to him not being there. But I had always had a parent. Someone who gave me roots, and purpose and a history. Someone who could provide an opinion for some life decision that needed to be made. I did not always follow his suggestion, but I sought his wisdom and guidance and sometimes received his wrath when some slight was sensed. Especially when we had to move him out of the house and into a retirement living facility. A parent also provides a sense of groundedness.  It gives some framework to who you are, why are that way, and how you will go forward. Now I don’t mean to say that you lose those things with the loss of your parents but it is now different and the real comparisons are gone and are forever frozen as they were that moment when the phone rang and I first realized that dad was gone.

For the next couple of days you make preparations.  Mental and physical.  The good news was that dad had everything pretty well planned out and even had it paid for so a 45 minute meeting at the mortuary and we had most of the arrangements made. If you get nothing else from this, here is the take away.  Get your affairs inorder, paid for and all of the selections made so your kids or spouse do not have to do this at the worst possible time. This is the kindest thing you can do for your family.

Well, the next couple of days went pretty much like you would expect.  My family gathers from across the country and we prepare for a visitation and then a funeral.  Boy we westerners sure have an odd set of customs about saying goodbye to our family and friends. So you shake all of the hands of folks you mostly don’t remember and have not sen for 30+ years and you hear some great stories of better times and places when the world was new and perfect and everything was possible. You cry some, you laugh a lot (dad and mom had a long and full life and htheir kids got to enjoy the upsides and the downsides of that longevity) and eventually you find a few moments to say your good byes and begin life without parents. Not life without mom and dad (they stay in your heart forever) but without parents.

And that is what the cycle of human life is really about

Let’s talk soon, Love dad. There is a lady on the Yellowstone net whose handle is Lone Eagle Woman. Her sign-off is Creator Bless! Interesting way of saying goodbye. 

 

Hopefully we can discuss dog behavior and training next, I need to get this blog on an upbeat, for a change. And I will let Sean or Heather tell you about bar hopping in the west end of Davenport.  Way too good a story to not be told, but, better told by the injured, than anyone else.