Reeling in the euphoria of a new baby in the family and the phone rings…..

Mother-in-law (MIL) who is 88 years if age, has fallen and broken her hip.  Had to be rescued from her house by the fire department. She could not get up to open the door to let them in. Surgery tomorrow.

A little background will assist us here.  MIL lives in Davenport, Iowa and daughters live, respectively, in Michigan, Alabama, Nebraska and Kansas, any questions so far? Alright, moving ahead, MIL has had onset of dementia for several years and the kids have been struggling with how long mom could live by herself and properly take care of herself.  This is a real dilemma for us all.  Our folks want to live by themselves and be independent.  For some if they stay living alone long enough they eventually do not have the decision making skills to decide for themselves and believe they can remain independent and get very angry when challenged. So we kids get to “do the right thing” and really piss off our parents at a time in their lives when they are not very good at coping with change and adapting to new things.  Heck a new telephone or toaster oven is a major disruption a new living environment is a disaster and besides, “they don’t need it, they were just fine living by themselves.” Mind you, they were probably not able to handle basic hygienic issues, the house was really getting dirty and financial affairs were in “disarray.” But “I can take care of myself”, thank you very much.

Now back to our story – surgery went fine, daughters drove in from far and wide to cope with Mom’s new situation and were confronted with the fact that it is finally time to address the issue of what happens to Mom when she comes out of physical therapy?  Well she needs to be in some facility that is close to one of the girls and on that we all agree, pretty much. Now who, OK, our place is fine let’s begin the process of finding a place that 1) mom would like, 2) we believe is the right place with the best facilities for what mom needs, 3) is affordable. Don’t over look the last one.  If you have not looked into assisted facilities or nursing facilities or even retirement facilities, brace yourself. $2K a month is where things get started and they quickly head north from there. A nice facility is going to run $5K – $6K per month if special services are required.

Well not to worry, we have 3 – 6 weeks before MIL is out of physical therapy. So on Thursday of the first week of therapy we have a status phone call with the PT folks and “it is too early to make an assessment of when MIL will be released.” So we begin the process of finding a place for mom. We figure we have plenty of time to locate, assess, and prepare for MIL’s arrival. That was Thursday, Friday  morning we get a call from the PT folks, they will be releasing MIL next Wednesday. She is not making progress and “by law” they must release her if she is not making progress. Wrap your head around that, if she is not making progress then they need to terminate her therapy. So in 24 hours she went from “too early to call” to “not making progress.” The incompetence here is outrageous (Good Samaritan of Davenport, Iowa, my guess is MIL really hated this place and the folks who ran it, so she would not learn out of spite.) (MIL has had almost constant PT since arriving here and she has been continually “making progress” and it is obvious to this writer that progress is being made and I only see her a couple times a week.) A simple example of Good Samaritan vs Sunrise of Overland Park.  Good Sam, she spent every day in Depends, Sunrise, that is a last resort and one that has not been offered since she arrived. It is not too tough to see the quality of life issues that might get you down if you were on the other end of this decision!

So my Scouting stuff is now officially on hold while we, get a U-Haul trailer, drive to Iowa, load the trailer, return home, deliver and install all of MIL’s stuff in her new apartment and emotional prepare for a “new hobby, MIL.” Meanwhile the rest of the family are each crawling through similar Cheerios trying to make a trip to Iowa to assist in getting mom moved out of her house, go through her stuff, and figure out how we get her to our place without renting an ambulance which costs around one million dollars by everyones’ estimate for a private service to make the 800 mile trip.

She is here, we are seeing her every day and we are fielding calls on a regular basis, from her, asking when she is going home and why are we being so mean to her and “she is bored” and every other excuse one might imagine. Unfortunately her dementia is at a stage where she seldom remembers that you were there or called in the morning, so she will call and indicate she is lonely, scared, bored and several other emotions all a result of the lapses of her mind.  Mind you her facility has 7 planned activities every day which she chooses not to participate in!

Let me tell you it is really tough to watch sometimes.  It is even tougher to watch your spouse go through this with her mother. I would much rather be the one directly going through this versus being the supportive spouse. Little did I know I would have issues of my own to deal with as the next 90 days rolled out.

With that said, MIL is making some progress, but this will be a long term home for her. On her good days she knows she is well cared for and that she is there because her family loves her.  On her bad days, well, you get what you get. So we look forward to the good days and tolerate the bad days. The real message here is these are tough decisions that families must wrestle with and no matter what determination you make the ultimate consumer here (MIL) ain’t gonna be happy and you are seen as the cause of the problem rather than the solution to the problem. Folks at this age are very good at playing the victim (that is all they see on TV and in the media, their two primary stimulants) so they play that card and we feel so much guilt over having to preside over this situation that no one can deal with the issues. Instead we work on the emotional stuff and everyone ends up in a lather. So we are supportive and helpful and let life roll on.

A word to the wise here.  If you are an adult with spouse, children and or other family and do not have a will, enduring Power of Attorney and a living will with instructions on resuscitation and life sustaining measures then you are walking the tightrope of life without a net. Please look into this and put these documents in place.  They are pretty inexpensive (less than $500 for the whole set) and they give your loved ones some rights and guidance if you should ever need them.  MIL was, thankfully, well prepared, so we could use the POA to execute things on her behalf with ease and simplicity, except for the government which would not accept POA, go figure.

The real truth is no one is to blame here.  The misdirected anger and frustration is just one of life’s hardships. The situation is really nothing more than old age and the body we have relied on for all of our lives giving out one component (or more) at a time.  While it is easy to sit and say I wish the mind was still good no matter what the body can take, it is really no better that the reverse.  But all of that is avoidance.  You don’t get to vote, it is the way it is and we just have to cope, if we can , and if not it is going to be a bumpy ride.

But that is the story for another entry.

Love to all.